2 weeks

Two weeks to be along, and get my thought process together. Two weeks to get everything accomplish ie; getting into school, finding a job and working out while DH is gone. Two weeks of me doing my fast and talking to the lord. Two weeks of us been apart having along time; but unfortunately where he going isn't a good environment. He was hand selected and  left today deployed to a hostile environment. He ask me was we going to survive, and I was honest with him and said I don't know. All we can do is try. But we can't have one person trying why the other is not present, but only existing in the relationship. All we can do is try.

These last three days ,I've  made sure to be as pleasant as I could and avoid any altercation with him no matter how hard he tried to get into one. Because as my bff Connie said " Put all the BS aside and just be the wife you know to be and don't say or do anything you will regret saying. No matter how stubborn and hard head he might be or push your button. Because where he 's going is not a easy place. Weather he been mean or not you do you and be you. You see DH has constantly told me he want to stay married and fight for this relationship. But his actions and words he speak to other is different. I can't never understand why men's or women always try to make other believe that their spouse or significant other isn't doing this, or that at home. Communicate with the one you with and not others who have no clue how hard the shoes you walk in hurt.

In previous conversations with DH I have explain to him that I needed to know he are fully here with me. Not telling me one thing and tell others something else. I have recently stumble across a  text message of him telling someone else they said " I hope you and Shelia are able to work out y'all in difference. Because you need support and need to concentrate on your mission at hand. He replied unlikely, high unlikely. Of course he isn't aware that I saw this.

What pisses me off to the highest degree is that I supported him 150% even thru the times I should've been gone. But for him to disrespect me and go around lying like I'm such a terrible wife hurts. Because I've seen how military wives act while their husband is deployed. But I will still hold my head up and fall on my favorite poem by Maya Angelou -Still I Rise . In the mean time I will still say a prayer for him and ask the lord to wrap DH in his arms, shield and keep him from any harm or danger and bring him home safely with all his physical mind, limbs, mentally, emotional needs in tact.

I still love DH but not in love nor trust him and he has definitely change the course of our relationship. I have forgiven him just haven't forgot and have decided to not open up and give myself to him fully. Like I told him before the first time is a mistake but once you keep doing the same thing over, and over after I have told you how your action hurt me it then become a Choice. So I chose to shut myself and hurt off to keep me from hating him.

But still  I have two week of along time , two weeks of  a peace of mind and I happy for the time I will have.

Still I rise,

Shelia